THE THERAPIST'S SELF-DISCLOSURE: A DELICATE BALANCE

The topic of therapist self-disclosure has always been a bit controversial. Back in the day, when the analyst was seen as a sort of “mirror” simply reflecting whatever the patient brought into the room - with zero interference - there wasn’t much room for the therapist’s subjectivity or for the “chemical reaction” that naturally occurs between two people.

As therapy has gradually moved toward concepts like the therapeutic dyad, relational dynamics, and intersubjectivity, it’s become clearer that, yes, the therapist is also a real person in the room -not just a blank slate. A professional, of course, but also someone who co-creates a unique space with the client. We've moved away from sterile, hyper-neutral models toward approaches that recognize how the therapist’s subjectivity - once denied or strictly controlled - can actually become a powerful tool for healing.

That said, in the early days, when there weren’t yet clear professional guidelines or much experience to lean on, this kind of involvement sometimes got misunderstood and taken too far, with consequences that weren’t always so great. Nowadays, though, we have a better understanding of the therapeutic relationship: while there’s a sense of personal equality, there’s also a clear asymmetry in roles. It’s not the same as a friendship (for more on this, check out this article).

Still, personal aspects of the therapist’s life almost always come out in therapy - sometimes on purpose, sometimes not. It might be a newspaper left on the desk that hints at certain political leanings, or something as small as saying, “We’re off on holiday next week too,” which subtly reveals the therapist has a partner or family. Even these tiny, unintentional disclosures can have an impact on the client - and that impact is worth thinking about.

So what should the therapist do in these situations? Is it better to keep personal details tightly under wraps, or to be a bit more open? Of course, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer - it depends on the specific therapist, the specific client, their relationship, and where they are in the therapy process. Still, there are some general principles worth keeping in mind:

• Sharing personal stuff in therapy is never trivial, even when it seems like something small. If the therapist is thinking of voluntarily sharing something about themselves, they should first ask: How does this serve the client or the therapeutic process? Does it open up space for growth or help move things forward? Self-disclosure shouldn’t be about the therapist’s own needs (for that, there’s always supervision or even therapy for the therapist!). Nor should it come from a sense of obligation - as if the therapist has to "match" the client's self-disclosure like in a regular conversation between friends. Therapy isn't a bar chat. So when a therapist does share something, it should be intentional, meant to unlock a stuck moment or create a new opening in the work.

  
  

• But what if the client is the one asking? That’s trickier, and we might be caught off guard. Even then, our job is to respond in a way that’s therapeutic - it doesn’t have to be a full answer to the exact question. For example: “Are you in a relationship, doctor?” or “Can I ask you something? Have you ever smoked weed?” When these questions come up, the therapist should take a moment to reflect: What’s behind this question? What am I feeling in response to it? And then respond in a way that supports the client’s process.

  
  

Take the weed question, for instance. A client might ask it to downplay their own cannabis use, as in, “Everyone’s done it - probably even you.” In that case, a helpful response might be:“What matters here isn't whether I have or haven't done that, but the fact that you're struggling with something serious, and that's what we're here to explore.” That’s not a cop-out - it’s a way to gently redirect the focus to the client’s experience, rather than reinforcing a dismissive attitude toward their own issues.

But with another client, the same question might come from a place of shame or fear of being judged. They might be looking for reassurance, for some proof that it’s possible to mess up and still be okay. Maybe they’re desperate to feel understood and not condemned. In that case, a softer, more empathetic response might be in order. And if the therapist feels comfortable and believes it could help, this might even be a moment for honest self-disclosure - an opportunity to deepen the connection and ease the client’s pain.

In the end, there’s no universal rule when it comes to therapist self-disclosure. It should always be considered carefully, case by case. But we can say this: it’s not something to avoid altogether, as long as it serves a therapeutic purpose. At the same time, it shouldn’t be overused or driven by the therapist’s desire to teach, impress, or be the “role model” (we’re therapists, not influencers or life coaches). Even accidental revelations should be managed thoughtfully - what we let show about our private lives matters.

And let’s not forget: these days, with everyone (therapists included) online and on social media, the line between private and public is blurrier than ever. The question of what we reveal -intentionally or not - goes way beyond the therapy room.